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IT'S THEM . . . NOT YOU


Rude comments, sabotaging behavior, eating-disorder accusations. You love your friends and family, but the madness has to end. Use our experts' talking points to get the support you deserve

By Carey Rossi | Illustrations by Mona Daily











Fitness isn't just a way to shed a few pounds — it's a lifestyle. But working on your kick-ass body may garner you not just accolades but also jealous friends, "concerned" boyfriends and food-prodding family members. It's nearly enough to end your commitment to diet and exercise, especially when their actions feel like personal attacks.

Before you toss in the workout towel, try talking. Thwarting unwanted comments can be as easy as a chat. M&F Hers gathered three relationship experts to be your conversation coaches, whether you desire support from your mother, best friend or lover.

THE JOKER
She complains about how fat she is yet never makes an effort to do anything about it. You invite her to work out, but she makes fun of others. She tells you that she thinks watching what you eat is very limiting. When she makes rude remarks about your body, you just don't know what to do.

Why they do it: "This isn't about you," says Cissy Brady-Rogers, LMFT, a marriage and family counselor in private practice in Arcadia, California. "It sounds like your friend is struggling with myriad feelings about herself. In response, she makes comments about the choices she sees others making and that she wishes she could do."

What to say: "By talking to your friend directly, you can understand where her comments are coming from," says Holly Pedersen, MFT, PhD, president of Talk Works in Beverly Hills, California. "Tell your friend very directly: 'You're making comments that are critical about my body and I'm wondering if you have some feelings about this.'"

If you're someone who hates confrontation, start the conversation when your friend makes one of her comments. Maybe at that moment you could ask, "What do you mean by that?" "People have different comfort levels of how proactive they want to be," Pedersen says. "If an indirect approach feels more comfortable, then come at it from your own position with statements such as, 'I really feel confused,' or 'I really want you to be supportive,' rather than calling the friend on her behavior."

THE SABOTEUR
When you met your boyfriend five years ago you were 30 pounds heavier. He tells you that if you lose any more weight he'll start putting weight-gainer in your food. You used to think he was joking, but now his comments on your weight loss are negative and sometimes mean. He says he's only looking out for you, so you won't get "too thin." But you feel like you're in the best shape of your life. Why isn't he happy for you?

Why they do it: "I could be fairly certain that it has something to do with his own experiences. Maybe he saw someone close to him get very thin before she died, or he thinks he'll lose you if you get too healthy and fit," says Jonathan Sandberg, PhD, associate professor and chair of the department of marriage and family therapy at Syracuse University in Syracuse, New York.

"Most men, when they have fears and concerns, don't express it in the most helpful way," he adds. "The helpful way is for him to be vulnerable. But [men aren't taught] to get in touch with their feelings and express them, so he gets sarcastic or nasty or rude."

What to say: To approach this subject with your boyfriend, Sandberg suggests saying to him: "It seems that something about me being slim is concerning you [or frightening to you or upsetting to you]. I'd just like to know why. Because for me, [my weight loss] is a good and healthy thing, but for you it doesn't seem to be."

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